Over the last year, political analysts have agonized over Sarah Palin’s failed vice presidential bid. Recently, some well-respected news organizations and cable commentators have speculated that people did not direct animosity toward Sarah Palin because they have a basic understanding of politics and government. Instead, they have concluded from their extensive research that people are jealous! That’s right: you, the biased liberal media and 69 million Americans are all just jealous of Sarah Palin.

For me, this theory launched a life-altering personal revelation. In a near-religious experience involving diverging clouds, sparkly rays of sunlight and gentle high-pitched choral music, I realized that Bill O’Reilly’s guest reporter was entirely correct. My hate was rooted only in jealously for Sarah Barracuda. It has since become my mission to help the rest of my cynical acquaintances to finally see that same mystical light.

Let me break it down. Find the categories that apply to you and begin to be honest with yourself. It will require some introspection and may result in a complete overhaul of your political views, so allot adequate time to absorb the truths presented in this list.

Without further ado, this is why you’re jealous of Sarah Palin:

You are a woman. Here are two widely accepted truths: women are rarely successful, and women hate successful women. You see, as we’ve all learned from watching 90’s blockbusters about catty high school girls, women hate strong females. Once they see another woman gaining power and attention (especially from the popular but secretly sensitive quarterback), they can’t help but give into an instinctual urge to tear her to shreds. They give absolutely no regard to said female’s opinions, actions or words. No woman has ever been elected into a position of power because no women would ever vote for her. Women are jealous of Sarah Palin’s popularity, which means that by nature they had to impulsively and passionately hate her.

You are a student. Sarah Palin was exceptionally mavericky in obtaining her undergraduate degree. Rather than earning her required credits at one university, as you, a predictable student likely will, Palin used her education as an opportunity to travel across the nation. Her education took her on a cultural journey beginning with Hawaii Pacific University, from which she transferred to North Idaho College. Seeking a drastic change of scenery, she left for the University of Idaho, then moved to Alaska to attend Matanuska-Susitna College. She traveled back to the University of Idaho and decided to just finish her degree there, banking her frequent flyer miles in case she decided to go for her master’s degree. You are jealous of the way Sarah Palin’s tremendous love for the U. S. of A shines through even her college diploma.

You write. Palin announced her book deal while she was governor, a wife, a sought-after political figure, and a lipstick-wearin’-hockey-mom of 5. If that wasn’t enough to make you envious of her ambition, a mere four months passed before she finished the 400-page autobiography. (Your life hasn’t been exciting enough to fill a notecard, so the sheer length of the book probably revealed yet another facet of your jealousy.) Yes, you’ve written papers for classes, a blog post here and there, and there’s surely an angsty but incoherent diary shoved under your mattress. However, the fact of the matter is that you are jealous of Sarah Palin’s brilliant—not to mention swift—writing capabilities.

You are on Facebook. Sure, you have a few hundred friends to “like” your clever statuses. But not even in your wildest dreams can you imagine having Facebook influence that could rival Sarah Palin’s. Shortly after detagging herself in a dozen sweaty frat party group pix, Palin helpfully and courageously warned the country of death panels explicitly included in the not-yet-written health care bills. You’re jealous that your brilliant Facebook musings haven’t inspired hundreds of blog posts and video spoofs.

You have a job. In times of stress, you try to convince yourself that the respectable course of action is to tough it out. Palin, however, has the depth of logic to recognize that anything besides quitting would be “the quitter’s way out”. You’re jealous of Sarah Palin’s bold and selfless decision to quit her job as governor mid-term.

You are on Twitter. After her AKGovSarahPalin account was rendered inaccurate (see above), Palin was reincarnated in the Twitterverse. She has racked up thousands of followers before making a single tweet. You share an amusing link or thoughtful article every day and still only obtain followers of the XXX-spam variety. You’re jealous that Sarah Palin doesn’t have to say anything meaningful before she gains influence on Twitter (and, let’s face it, the country).

I hope this was eye-opening. Remember, admitting your jealously is a necessary, albeit painful, first step on the road to recovery. But before long, you’ll be healthily reformed and capable of enjoying all 5 chapters of her book.